Me and My Dad

After our three classes in California, we made our way East to follow up with three more classes. Our first stop on our travels was to my Dad and step-mom’s home in Raton New Mexico.

My dad and I have had an estranged relationship for at least 17 years. We saw each other on different occasions when family celebrations were happening. Sometimes I really worked at getting along with him, and sometimes I felt really threatened by his presence.

Before I had left for Hawaii, I spent three days with dad. I wanted to work through what ever issue we had with each other so that we both may enjoy internal peace with the relationship. While a relationship with me was really important to my dad, he did not know how to relate to me. There were some events in childhood that left a lasting painful impression upon my sense of self and I struggled to rebuild a love for myself. We spent these three days getting to know each other as adults. Not so much as father/daughter, but adult/adult. I enjoyed the process and the discovery that my dad is a bright, caring, ingenious, resourceful man in search of meaning in his life. My dad is also pushy and controlling at times.

Now, as Paul and I arrived, Dad had the opportunity to meet my new life partner. Dad had written a letter to Paul while we were in Hawaii to welcome him to the family. It was a beautiful and touching letter, so their meeting was well prepared. Paul and dad got along great. This was a great help to me working through my process of making a better relationship with Dad.

Dad and I spent more time getting to know each other. At one point, it came the time to talk as adult daughter to adult father. i was scared and nervous about how it would effect my dad. I knew that he had a heart problem, and I believed that his heart problem was related to emotional injuries to his heart. i decided that in the end, it was the best thing we could do for each other to work through our past and be free of it.

Dad was as receptive as he could be. While part of himself needed to protect himself from hearing how his actions had effected my development, he listened as best as he could and took in the information. After doing so, he meditated with the bible and asked for a passage that would help him heal himself and his relationship with me. Dad read a passage to me about one of the disciples asking Jesus who of all the beings was most important. Jesus answered that children were the most important and that to injure one of his children was to injure God. He read that those who hurt children will go through life as though they have a grinding stone strung around their neck. Dad shared that he felt he had carried that grinding stone for the pain he had caused me.

Dad and I talked about being able to forgive. While we think that it may be something we do for someone else, it is really something we do for ourselves. When we spend our emotional energy in shame, guilt, or remorse, we are not able to be the true self that is the gift of living. Dad asked me to forgive him. I told him that I certainly forgave him so that I could carry on with life unburdened, but that my forgiving him did not leave him unburdened. What he would most need for his freedom to be himself is to forgive himself. Dad and I talked more about this and his search for a better relationship with himself through his relationship with God.

Dad had to travel pick up his wife and Paul and I carried on our way. I got word from my brothers that dad spent the next night in the hospital. I called to find out what had happened. While traveling to pick up his wife, he started having some pains in his chest. He was taken to the hospital and his pains investigated. The doctors conducted test and concluded that he did not have a heart attach, and would continue to try to find the cause of his pains. A week later my dad reported that he had gotten word from his doctor that the amount of blockage in his heart had been reduced by more than 20%. Dad and I wondered together if our working through our relationship had helped him to release some of the pain that had taken up residence in his heart.