A Worthy Search

After our months out East, we felt the call to head West again. We were not so much keen on traveling more, but felt our hearts call.

We headed for my brothers in SD on September 26th. We arrived the evening of the 27th while my brother was at work. Deana welcomed us and made us feel at home. She shared with me that my Dad had not been well lately and was supposed to go to the hospital the following day for an operation. I was concerned that my Dad’s heart would make it difficult for him to withstand taking anastesa. Deana suggested i talk to Tim in the morning about my concern.

The next morning, Deana stayed home from work and Tim was up earlier than he would normally be. My Dad’s operation weighed heavy on my mind as I had a dream about it that night. I asked Tim if we could talk about it. He asked what I would like to say. I told him that I thought it might be dangerous for Dad to go under anasteisa. Tim agreed that it might have been dangerous but that at this point it was moot because Dad had died in the night. I felt shocked, sad, and relief. I was relieved because I knew that Dad could leave this life with a little more peace after our having worked through to a positive relationship with one another. I was sad because I finally made amends with my dad and now we were out of time to enjoy and enrich our experience of each other. I felt sad for his wife Madia who loved him so dearly and built her life around being with him.

My Dad understood my love for the most natural and healthy life-style possible. He grew up in the San Fran Bay area in the hub of the US commerce, fashion, fad and wealth. When I was three years old, he and Mom moved us to the middle of Oregon, 7 miles from the nearest town in order for us to create and thrive on a 80% self-sustaining farm. He understood my and Paul’s dream to live in the wilderness as the next step toward communing with nature. He saw it as a step he would like to have taken. Paul and I fantasized about creating a space for him in our wilderness abode.  Dad was supportive, understanding, and believed in our vision.

My Dad’s sisters, all four of them, attended the funeral. My brother’s helped to take care of financial and practical matters for my Step-mom. Maida was heart broken and angry. She had trusted dad to take care of himself and of their lives so that they could be happy and together until she passed away. His dying first was not in the best made plans.

My four aunts, my two brothers and I spoke at my Dad’s funeral. It was an amazing experience for me. I had worried, a year or so ago, that my dad and I would remain astranged throughout this life-time. Yet here I was, less that three months after we had finally found a loving connection. I expressed my gratitude to Dad’s church congregation for the prayers they had shared for my Dad’s healing. I expressed appreciation for my Dad’s contiuous search for a better relationship with God and therefore, with himself. It was this search that had created the courage and inginuity it took to move his family to a high desert farm. His search along with my Mom’s, created the childhood that my brother’s and I had the opportunity to experience. My Dad’s commitment and search to a better relationship with himself and God is what led to his being able and willing to make amends with me before he died.

While I was grateful for the way that our relationship ended, I felt somehow devastated. It seemed that my dream to live in the wilderness was no longer possible. It was not my Dad’s death alone, but the fact that Paul and I had traveled and explored the land for a possibly for quite some time. What we continued to encounter i   the level of development that all of the land of  America has experienced. All “wilderness” areas are effected by this development. Animals habitat is destroyed daily. Animals are pushed out of their territory and in to less desirable spaces by human, or are killed on their way to finding that safe place as they cross a road. I was concerned that if we were to make our way into and live in the wilderness, we would be just another human pushing around the animals and killing them for survival. A desire to bring health and well-being to the earth and all her inhabitants is what drives my desire to live as one with nature. So here I was in the paradox, feeling stuck and lost without a dream to pursue and without the guidance to find the answers

As a result of my Dad’s search, I am one in search. I will carry on the journey from where he left off.